Horror flicks are just torture

If you’re a fan of horror movies, then next month you should get a small fix. There are two horror films scheduled for release, The Midnight Meat Train (Aug 1) and Mirror (Aug 15).
In Meat Train, which pretty much sums up the plot, a serial killer stalks late-night subway commuters, butchering them in different – but always bloody – ways. In Mirrors, the only description available says that a mall security guard becomes wrapped up in a mystery involving a particular department store’s mirrors, which seems to bring out the worst in people.
I’m not a big fan of horror movies. In this area, the professional critics and I usually agree.
The movies Prom Night, Shutter and The Ruins were terrible.
Alex Markerson from E! Online called Prom Night “…an embarrassment to everyone involved.” My personal favorite came from Matt Paris of the Chicago Sun Tribune, who called it “A murderous rampage, less stress inducing than a yearbook signing.”I, of course, use the phrase horror movie loosely. Today’s generation of horror flicks should more aptly called “torture films.” That’s because these low-budget cookie-cutter movies torture the actors – and us.
Torture flicks don’t get much praise from critics.
Can you blame them?
Every torture film is the same.
You take a group of kids and put them in a normal situation – for the sake of today’s lesson, let’s make it a church.
Preferable, you want an equal number of men and women to make for better pairing and possible sexual encounters.
The men are mostly good looking and the women are always beautiful with large breasts.
Additionally, they’re nearly always college-aged kids, and of course, dumb as a rock.
Let’s face it; after the second person is hacked to death, if you’re not fleeing down the nearest highway at 120 mph, you deserve the Darwin Award.
So our 10 victims visit a local church on a field trip. The first to go will be the teacher. They usually are the oldest, ugliest, have the most common sense, but on one wants to see them naked.
Suddenly, for no reason, everyone decides to split up and go exploring in pairs, because with the teacher gone – it’s party time!
This all happens within the first couple of minutes so that the director can squeeze every minute of the 90-minute flick showing breasts and ripping apart bodies in ways he thinks we’ve never seen before, but by now, most adults have seen it all, thanks to several hundred torture flicks before his.
Back to the church.
By now, all the kids are lost in some ancient ruins below the church – never mind the church was built last Wednesday. Several people are snuffed in different imaginative ways and the lack of available people begins to become noticeable.
So of course, they begin to split up to begin searching for the missing.
“I’ll check over here in this lighted room. You go in that dark scary room where the lights don’t work and check to see if anyone’s in there.”
OK, let’s wrap this up before this missive becomes torture.
Eventually, they’ll discover everyone is murdered because the bodies begin falling out of the ceiling.
Now, everyone’s screaming nonstop for the rest of the movie until one or two people are left.
If one, it’s usually a girl.
If two, it’s usually a combination.
Now we come to the final sequence.
Have you ever noticed, no matter how fast the victim runs, runs, runs and the killer walks, walks, walks, the killer always seems to be right behind them or suddenly appears right in front of them?
Obviously, directors are not required to take physics class.
Now we come to the climax.
The victim is tired of screaming and being hunted. After a 15-minute not-so-terrifying climatic scene, the victim turns the table and dispatches the killer – but not really.
In the final seconds, the killer, suddenly, but not surprisingly, because they do this in every torture film, wakes up and finishes the job he’s started even though he’s been shot 12 times, stabbed eight and electrocuted twice.
This is really where I have the most problem with torture movies.
I sit through a never-changing plot; endure bad acting and long-winded screams only to know I’m going to have to do it again in the sequel.
Die already – please.